Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Mark Twain can suck my 80 year old cock!!

Dear Mr. Clemens,

I have been a fan of yours for many years. I, like many for your fans, have been waiting patiently for your long fabled Autobiography. Not that I was salivating so much as to pre-order it but resigned myself to wait until it's publication and sit in a Barnes and Noble, serenely sipping my hot chocolate and allowing your sharp tonged wit to enthral me enough to inevitably purchase the hallowed tome.

Now, please bear in mind that I had not personally done much research on this before going to read, wanting to be "Spoiler free" as it were. All I knew was that you had not wanted it published until 100 years after your death. (Oh Sam, Does your charming and colorful disdain for pop culture know no bounds??) So, I was delighted when I arrived at the store to see the sheer size of the book and even more so when I read the words "Vol. 1" on the cover. I eagerly grabbed an unwrapped copy and started toward the Starbucks counter.

As I passed the help desk, I casually asked the clerk "Do you know when Volume 2 being published?"

"In 2035" was his dry response.

I laughed. "I know right, But seriously do you know?"

"2035. It was in his Will"

"Excuse me?"

"In his Will, he said that he didn't want Volume 1 of his autobiography to be published until 100 years after his death. And Volume 2 published 25 years after the that and Volume 3 published 25 years after that."

I gaped at the poor middle aged clerk for a good 15 seconds. "Are you fucking kidding me????"

I promptly slammed the book back onto the stand and marched out.

150 years??? Really Sam?? I understand your reputation for "Sticking it to the man" has gotten you far as a writer but this is the first time you have inconvenienced me and that I do not forgive or forget.

I will be 80 when Volume 3 is published. 80!!!!!!

I don't know what to say, Sam. I thought you were different. I thought we had something special. Oh Sure, I've been burned before. There are few things in life that would have pleased me more than to see Holden Caulfield beaten up by a pimp on the big screen. I groaned along with everyone else when Clarice ran off with Hannibal. But you? You??? I thought you were someone I could trust. Now, I know how Michael Corleone felt. You broke my heart, Sam.

... you broke my heart.

And so, as much as it pains me, I believe it is time for me to move on. I will always treasure the time we had together, but now that time has passed. I hope that someday you find what you are looking for. And when at last you come to your senses, and realize the harm that you have done, I will politely ask you to  suck my aged, wrinkled and yet still astonishingly massive cock.

All My Love,


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Another Short Story "The Hunter"

I actually got alittle disturbed by myself while writing this one but here it is...

The Hunter
By Me

Mitepi moved quietly through the thick brush, ears pricked for any sign for his quarry. As he had done for the last 3 days, he followed the fresh distinctive tracks in the mud, the piles for waste and the corpses of less fortunate animals.

But after 3 days he was hungry and tired and he longed for a hot meal, warm bed skins, and the face of the one to whom he was promised. Ultana. 

But he new he must continue until he killed one of the evil beasts he had been taught to fear and hate since he was a child. For not only was this a test of his manhood and a chance to redeem his families honor. But his life literally depended on it.

He recalled only too vividly that day almost 10 summers ago, when his brother went out on his test. And the Horrible sadness 2 days later when he came staggering out of the clearing stumbling and screaming as he ran, terror on his face. He was shot with arrows before he got within a hundred paces of the village guards. It was well known that the terrible creatures that lived in these woods were evil spirits that would possess the minds of those who failed to kill it quickly. And those poor souls were sent back to the village to possess the rest of the people who lived there, turning loving mothers into cannibals who would feed on the flesh their own sons, and fathers into monsters who would laugh as they raped their own daughters. For the good of the village these spirits must be killed, their bodies burned by priests who knew how to resist them.

He remembered watching from the tower as they burned his brother’s body. And his mothers horrible wails as she mourned her son and remembered when her brother had not returned from the hunt at all. This has been the way of the world since the ancient days. And until now Mitepi had never questioned it. Not until his life was in jeopardy.

His uncle. His Brother. And now him.

“No!” he decided. He would not bring any further shame to this family. He was their last chance to redeem themselves and he decided that he would redeem them if he had to stay in the forest for an entire moon cycle.

Suddenly, as if the gods had heard his vow, he saw a large stone cave in the side of an outcropping. Perhaps this was the beasts lair and he would catch it sleeping. He tensed and Praised the Gods for guiding him. He would be home soon he thought victorious, a man in law. His family redeemed and His betrothed fully his.

He approached the cave slowly along the rock face. His spear in his hands and his axe in his belt. He looked in as he reached its mouth. No sign. Should he go in? or should he wait for it to come out and attack from behind. Surely the latter was the better choice he thought. But then he heard a low rumbling for deep inside the cave.

“It’s asleep!” he thought triumphantly. He slowly moved in to the cave making no noise as he went.

Silence except for the low rumble and occasional droplet of water. As he got further from the mouth of the cave he noticed that the rumble was more constant then he had thought. He paused. Were their two of them? Breath overlapping to make one constant sound? He reconsidered his plan. If there were two, the death of one would surely wake the other. Or others? He turned to leave. He would wait for one to immerge from the cave and kill it then maintaining the element of suprise. This was far too dangerous. But as he moved slowly back to the entrance he saw a small tunnel branching off to the right that he hadn’t noticed before. He only noticed to now because of a faint blue glow in its depths.

Curiosity overwhelming caution he walked down the tunnel and as he rounded the corner he noticed that not only was the glow getting stronger. But the rumble was getting louder. Was the sound coming from this glow? And he knew this glow was not the beast. What kind of evil was this? He turned to leave. After only a few steps, the rumble suddenly grew louder and there was a flash of blue light. He turned and his face was suddenly a mask of horror and fear at what he saw. There was a sharp stabbing pain at the base of his skull.

Then blackness.



New Short Story "Quiet Desperation" Part 1

Quiet Desperation
Part 1
“The Train”

The train was late.
Alex felt the familiar stab of irritation as he watched the station clock change from 7:28 to 7:29. He looked around. No one else on the platform seemed to pay this any mind and he figured that they were probably the kinds of morons who swallowed the bullshit line shoveled by most public transportation systems: “A Bus or Train arriving within 10 minutes of its scheduled arrival time is considered to be on time”
“Horseshit” he thought, reminding himself for perhaps the hundredth time that month why he loathed public transportation in all it’s forms. If a bus was late he could understand. It still pissed him off, but at least there were legitimate reasons. There was traffic, construction detours, toll plazas and dead animals lying on the side of the road that people felt the need to slow down and stare at for reasons past his understanding.
Trains on the other hand, have absolutely no excuse for being even a minute late. Did someone leave their car unattended at a crossing? Did some kid place a penny on the track and they were derailed?
“Well, whatever it is” Alex thought “It better be good.”
He looked at the clock again. 7:30. He looked down the track. Nothing. He looked at his phone, 7:32. “Fuck”
“They’re getting an email this time.” Alex thought to himself as he turned to walk back into the waiting booth and sat down on a bench. “TGIF my ass”
There were about 6 or 7 people in there now all reading papers or listening to music or writing emails on their blackberry’s unconcernedly and Alex felt a fresh wave of annoyance. Clearly, these people had about as much regard for the train’s truancy as the train had for his own. He looked at the button on the wall labeled “Push For Heat”
It was about 80 degrees in here already and fairly humid and Alex felt a mischievous grin twitch the corners or his mouth. What if he just stood up, casually walked to the button pushed it and walked out without anyone seeing. It would be pretty amusing to watch them slowly start to fan themselves and sweat profusely without knowing what had happened. If only there was a way to barricade the door so they couldn’t escape. He did have an old bicycle chain in his trunk…
Suddenly the PA system came on with a soft BEEP and Alex was brought back to his surroundings.
“May I have your attention please…” said a bored female voice. Alex rolled his eyes.
“Here we go,” he mumbled
“We are currently experiencing a delay on the Haskell Heights line due to an electrical short in a switch south of the Cooper Avenue Station stop.”
“Perfect” said Alex testily
“We apologize for the inconvenience and are working as fast as possible to correct the problem. Thank you for your patience and have a pleasant day” Finished the voice dryly and repeated the message.
'Thanks a fucking bunch” said Alex and he looked around at the other people in the booth. The two that were listening to music had taken off their headphones now and were listening to the message repeating. The man with the blackberry had stood up and walked outside to look down the track. Several others outside had started doing this too. Apparently the people thought that by looking down the track, they could somehow help the train. Their collective consciousnesses somehow pulling the track switch into the correct position thus allowing us all to get under way. A small part of Alex’s mind clung onto the hope that it would. He had, after all, read “The Secret”. He understood these things.
As another man got up dialing his cell phone, presumably to inform his office of the current plight, Alex saw someone on the bench he hadn’t noticed when he walked in. A young women sitting on the other side of the booth drinking from a small thermos who was a regular on this now delayed train. Alex had taken to calling her Kim in his head. He had no idea whether this has her actual name of course, as he had never had the occasion to say so much as “Hello” to her. But she looked like a Kim and that was good enough for him.
She was very pretty, with golden blonde hair streaked over Brown roots pulled into a ponytail. The roots didn’t make her look sloppy, but in that elegantly casual way that said ”I look good even when I’m not trying”. She also had bright green eyes with just enough eye shadow to make them the first thing you noticed.
Alex had first seen her on this platform 4 months ago. She was very “Put offish” as his sister would say, with a fitted grey sailors jacket, dark blue jeans with a pair of brown leather boots that screamed “Fuck Me!” and a pair of large round sunglasses that screamed “Fuck Off!” Today however, she was wearing a simple red Tank top, pull string cargo pants and brown flip-flops. She was clearly not going to work as Alex usually saw her much more done up than this. She was also clutching a small black gym bag on her lap with one hand as though it might spring open at any moment.
Not wanting to stare Alex pulled out his cell phone again to check the time. No sooner had he flipped it open then he heard a shriek of anger and looked back. She had spilled a considerable amount of iced coffee onto herself.
“Of course it happened today” he heard her say under her breath in a small annoyed voice. He turned and saw her muttering obscenities to herself as she dabbed at the stains with a napkin.
Alex reached into his backpack and pulled out some instant stain removal cloths from a front pocket. When he was in high school, His mother had taken to putting them into his school bags and jackets whenever she got the chance saying “you never know when they might come in handy” Alex, being a total slob, soon came to realize that she was absolutely right. And he quickly picked up the habit.
Alex cleared his thought and she looked around. Once again he was immediately drawn to her green eyes and they met his for a fraction of a second. Then seeing the cloths in his hand, she reached over and snatched them out of his hand, ripped open the packets and began rubbing them on her shirt furiously. Feeling a little resentful Alex looked away. A few seconds later he heard a sigh.
“Thank you” She said and he looked back.
She was looking at him with a softened sheepish expression, as though she was embarrassed by her lack of gratitude. He gave her a small smile back.
“No problem” he said “Bad day?”
“Bad Summer” she said grimly.
Alex gave an affirmative grunt. Unsure what the correct etiquette was for a remark like that.
“Have you ever had everything in your life going exactly the way they should and then one day it all blows up in your face?” she said in a rush.
“Uh” said Alex taken aback. “Yeah, I guess”
“It’s like once one thing goes wrong, everything does” She continued, more to herself Alex thought.
“Anything I can do?” he said grasping/
“You wouldn’t happen to be a marketing executive looking for a consultant, would you?” she said sarcastically
Alex snorted “not even close” he grinned at her. she didn’t grin back.
“Figures” She said and went back to mopping up her spilled coffee.
“You lost you job?” Alex said trying to rekindle the conversation and he realized at once that this was not the way to do it.
She glared at him as of to say, “Figured that out on you own, did you?”
“I was at Griffin-Howard” She said flatly and Alex understood.
 Griffin-Howard had been a prominent advertising firm before they were taken over by a major conglomerate 3 months ago. According to CNN, the body count was enormous and Kim was clearly one of them. Realizing this, Alex felt a stab of guilt. The law firm at which Alex was an office clerk, Williams, Goldsmith and Assoc, had brokered the deal allowing the takeover. He decided not to mention this.
“I’ve been looking for 3 months,” Kim continued again more to herself “Nobodies hiring so much as a mail clerk.”
“So, you’re still looking? Is that why you’re heading into the city?” Alex asked.
“No.” she said quietly, “I mean, Yes, I am still looking but,” She paused “I start my new job today” for some reason she seemed to deflate a little when she said this.
“Oh, Good for you” Alex said trying desperately to lighten the atmosphere of the conversation. “Doing what?”
Kim looked down at her gym bag, which she was clutching even closer to herself now. Almost trying to shield it from view.
“Bartending” she said hesitantly.
“Cool” Alex said encouragingly “It’s Good money. At least you’re working”
She look at him briefly out of the corners of those her deep green eyes then she look back down again with a thin smile.
“We’ll see” she said softly.
Alex looked at her. There was something about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on but he had a strange feeling that when he did figure it out. He would either fall madly in love with her. Or run for his life.
There was a sudden swift movement outside and they both looked up. The train was pulling in and people were clamoring around the doors trying to be the first one in and be assured a seat. Both Alex and Kim stood up at the same time.
“Well,” Kim said in a business like voice as she picked up her gymbag. ”Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Such as it was” he replied holding open the booth door for her. Then a sudden realization hit him. “I’m Alex, by the way” he said trying to say it before they got separated.
“Well, it was nice meeting you, Alex.” She said quickly as she saw a gap in the throng leading to a doorway on the next car over and darted away like a squirrel through a gap in the leaves. Alex just managed to squeeze through the doors as they closed behind him. He looked around there was barely room to stand let alone sit. And door to the next car was blocked by a man with twins in a stroller.
“Maybe on Monday”, Alex thought to himself, “I’ll get her real name.”

To Be Continued

Monday, February 15, 2010

Leonard Cohen has enough money already!!

There needs to be a Moratorium on the song “Hallelujah”.

Every 5 minutes you hear someone playing or doing a cover of this sappy, joyless song on the radio or in a movie. And last week K.D. Lang hammered the final nail in its coffin by heaving himself (No emails please. I'm being snarky) onto the stage of the opening ceremony of the Olympics and horsed out a throaty off-key rendition on a song that was once hauntingly touching.

Yeah..., not so much.

Is Leonard Cohen in some kind of serious financial trouble that he needs the constant influx of hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties that he is making off the constant airplay? Because if you are, buddy, there are plenty of ways to help yourself without making the rest of western society want to stab it's ear-drums out with an ice-pick.

Enough I say. I am formally proposing a Federally Mandated Moratorium on this song. It is not to be played on the radio, in bars, in movies or on TV EVER again. If you want to listen to this through headphones so none of the rest of us have to listen to it, fine. And may the gods have mercy on your soul.

Also “Do you believe in Magic” by The Lovin’ Spoonful need to go away as well. I don't care how much Disney paid for it.

That is all.


First Post!!

It's so nice to have a blog. I feel like I should go sit in a coffee shop and talk about politics with a supercilious look on my face. 

Does this mean I have to start listening to NPR? Fuck.