Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Mark Twain can suck my 80 year old cock!!

Dear Mr. Clemens,

I have been a fan of yours for many years. I, like many for your fans, have been waiting patiently for your long fabled Autobiography. Not that I was salivating so much as to pre-order it but resigned myself to wait until it's publication and sit in a Barnes and Noble, serenely sipping my hot chocolate and allowing your sharp tonged wit to enthral me enough to inevitably purchase the hallowed tome.

Now, please bear in mind that I had not personally done much research on this before going to read, wanting to be "Spoiler free" as it were. All I knew was that you had not wanted it published until 100 years after your death. (Oh Sam, Does your charming and colorful disdain for pop culture know no bounds??) So, I was delighted when I arrived at the store to see the sheer size of the book and even more so when I read the words "Vol. 1" on the cover. I eagerly grabbed an unwrapped copy and started toward the Starbucks counter.

As I passed the help desk, I casually asked the clerk "Do you know when Volume 2 being published?"

"In 2035" was his dry response.

I laughed. "I know right, But seriously do you know?"

"2035. It was in his Will"

"Excuse me?"

"In his Will, he said that he didn't want Volume 1 of his autobiography to be published until 100 years after his death. And Volume 2 published 25 years after the that and Volume 3 published 25 years after that."

I gaped at the poor middle aged clerk for a good 15 seconds. "Are you fucking kidding me????"

I promptly slammed the book back onto the stand and marched out.

150 years??? Really Sam?? I understand your reputation for "Sticking it to the man" has gotten you far as a writer but this is the first time you have inconvenienced me and that I do not forgive or forget.

I will be 80 when Volume 3 is published. 80!!!!!!

I don't know what to say, Sam. I thought you were different. I thought we had something special. Oh Sure, I've been burned before. There are few things in life that would have pleased me more than to see Holden Caulfield beaten up by a pimp on the big screen. I groaned along with everyone else when Clarice ran off with Hannibal. But you? You??? I thought you were someone I could trust. Now, I know how Michael Corleone felt. You broke my heart, Sam.

... you broke my heart.

And so, as much as it pains me, I believe it is time for me to move on. I will always treasure the time we had together, but now that time has passed. I hope that someday you find what you are looking for. And when at last you come to your senses, and realize the harm that you have done, I will politely ask you to  suck my aged, wrinkled and yet still astonishingly massive cock.

All My Love,